Who is it you have the most trouble with? Who is your biggest pain? From the person who cut you off in traffic, to the cashier at the grocery store to the cell phone customer support line, we all have to deal with people who are difficult. Maybe it’s a co-worker, your boss, your mother, a sibling or another family member. Regardless of who they are, they can make your life miserable. Sometimes the stress and worry they cause us is unbearable and rather than dealing directly with them and the issues, we avoid them by changing jobs, moving to a different neighborhood or just flat out ignoring them.
For years it seemed that wherever I went I would run into at least one person that would be hard to deal with. I began to wonder if my buttons were so obvious that everyone around me took morbid pleasure in pushing them. It took me a long time to figure out that the people I have the hardest time with can actually be my greatest teachers. That alone is a key to dealing with difficult people. If you were to consider every encounter with a difficult person as a learning experience the contention will dissolve and replaced with curiosity.
Being curious about a person, their views, their background, their ideals and opinions does not mean that you agree with them, but that you are wiling to hear them out. Being curious means setting aside your own agenda in order to truly listen to the other person. Too often we have our own agenda in conversations—an agenda that prevents us from really listening and getting to the truth. This is very similar to the fifth habit in Stephen R. Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In this habit, Covey counsels the reader to develop empathetic listening, which is listening with the intent to understand by getting inside the other person’s frame of reference. One way to do this is to develop curiosity about the other person and what they have to say. This is not a technique as much as it is the principle of seeking first to understand before you are understood.
Another way to deal with difficult people is to cut some slack and give them the benefit of the doubt. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow once said, “If you could spend one minute in the mind of your enemy, he would no longer be your enemy.” As much as we would like to, we cannot read the minds of the people around us. Chances are, they are dealing with some serious issues that if we were aware of it, we would treat them with compassion instead of contention.
By being curious, listening, and giving them the benefit of the doubt, the number of difficult people in your life will reduce dramatically creating more peace and less stress in your life.
Posted on September 20th, 2008 by Kirk
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